Sunday, January 21, 2007


I was hurt.

I had a choice.

To forgive or not to forgive.

I decided that I would like to forgive.

But then I could not forget.

During quiet moments thoughts of the incident hounded me.

Under-feelings of some hurt was gnawing at me.

This was not doing me any good towards my desire to heal my wounds.

I think I have not forgiven the person in reality, though I do care for the person dearly.

I decided to internalize to find answers within me and end this unsettled emotions and wish to get on.

Recently I stumbled upon this beautiful article on forgiveness that has helped me close this recent chapter of mine. I think (and hope..ha ha) that I have learnt to forgive completely and am able to get on with my life with inner peace.

I wish to share this beautiful write up on forgiveness that has helped me come to terms with my hurt.

I wish it will help those who have gone through some deep hurt too.

Here it is:

Forgiveness....What's It For?

"In this life. . . we are unable to forget whatever remains unforgiven. So, if we won't let go of some pain - whose time has now past - then who is to blame for the weight of this burden still being carried on our back?"

Guy Finley

Forgiveness is a creative act that changes us from prisoners of the past to liberated people at peace with our memories. It is not forgetfulness, but it involves accepting the promise that the future can be more than dwelling on memories of past injury.

There is no future in the past. You can never live in the present and create a new and exciting future for yourself and your love partner if you always stay stuck in the past.

Begin again!

It is truly impossible to start new and to make clear, healthy, life giving choices until we have let go of past hurts, confusion and resentments. Old wounds have a drawing power and pull our attention to them over and over, taking energy and hope from us, preventing us from starting again. Old wounds raise fearful spectres of the same thing happening again in the future. For this reason it is so important to spend time understanding the true nature of forgiveness, and what it really entails.

To forgive means to "give up", to let go.

It also means to restore oneself to basic goodness and health. When we forgive, we are willing to give up resentment, revenge and obsession. We are willing to restore faith not only in ourselves, but in life itself. The inability or unwillingness to do this, causes harm in the one who is holding onto the anger.

"The only upside of anger is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they are not afraid of the journey. Someone that knows that the truth, is at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and sits and in it's wake leaves a new chance of acceptance and the promise of calm."

From the movie, "The Upside of Anger" starring
Kevin Coster and Joan Allen

If you are at war with others you cannot be at peace with yourself.

You CAN let go. . . and forgive! It takes no strength to let go. . . only courage. Life either expands or contracts in direct proportion to your courage to forgive. Your choice to forgive or not to forgive either moves you closer to what you desire or further away from it. There is no middle ground. Change is constant.

Want peace of mind? Forgive.

The same energy you use to hold on (to not forgive), is the same energy you need to create a new and exciting relationship TOGETHER; a relationship anchored in unconditional love.

Forgiveness is the most important single process that brings peace to our soul and harmony to our life.

However, living from resentment takes so much effort. All the toxic feelings of hatred and resentment stay bottled up inside with the result that we become bitter, angry, unhappy and frustrated. And so, living from forgiveness becomes a necessity. Not that this is easy; it isn't. But we cannot keep ourselves in the flow of good if we hold another in unforgiveness.

Forgiveness helps you move forward. No one benefits from forgiveness more than the one who forgives!

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. The very word forgiveness is built on the root word give. Forgiveness releases your partner from your criticism and also releases you from being imprisoned by your own negative judgments.

Forgiveness is the key to your own happiness. Forgiving someone else takes moral courage. Forgiveness means choosing to let go, move on, and favor the positive. It ends the illusion of separation, and the power of forgiveness can change misery into happiness in an instant.

There are some dynamic sayings that I hold on to now:
The only way to freedom and happiness is forgiveness

Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes, or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship

You know you have forgiven someone when he or she has harmless passage through your mind.

On this note I would like to wish all of my lovely and loyal friends here:


The Special Night

Our Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said, "Whoever establishes the prayers on the night of Qadr out of sincere faith and hoping to attain Allah's rewards (not to show off) then all his past sins will be forgiven."

Since I was a little girl I have been looking for the special night of Lailatul Qadar. (You know the tell tale signs told to us of trees bowing, water turning into ice, heavy rain, fog and a host of other effects and signs).

Not late years, I have stopped.

You’d be wondering why, indeed.

Late years I have started to read in between the lines more so than ever.

(what I write here is a personal take, and by no means I am an expert on such a serious topic).

Reading the above hadith:

‘whoever establishes the prayers on the night of Qadr..’, this is the easy bit (Hmm..easy as in any physical skill that, once learnt it can be done, like swimming, squash, sewing).

‘..out of SINCERE faith..’, this is the hard bit (this is the intangible spiritual bit).

To be sincere, no matter any which way you look at it, it is HARD!

Being sincere, to me is the highest test on any human.

Perhaps the ONLY TEST!

As to be sincere involves great sacrifices.

The last thing God wants of us, is for us to want to do anything, just for the sake of scoring points.

HE wants us to do it out of our sincerity.

Let’s change the approach.

Let's get into the mind of a sincere person.

Now if one were sincere, without a doubt one would embrace humility. With humility, whatever good that one did, one would always feel that one could have done better. So one would endeavour to strive better and better and never for a moment thought one would deserve the descent of Lalilatul Qadar upon oneself, until one felt that one has done one's best.

With humility, one would always feel one has not done one's best and would continue striving in a never ending circle, so when can one ever for a moment expect Qadr to happen to one? One simply does not. Since one has such a thought, one would only busy oneself in discharging one's duties as best one could and leave the granting of rewards to HIM from above.

One would not dwell on how many points one made today, and therefore how many points one made for the week and the year. After all, how many points do we need to get the ticket to heaven? No one knows? Did we indeed get the points in any case? No one knows! So why dwell in an area of uncertainty anyway?

In any case if a deed was required of one, and being the sincere person, one would just discharge it:

without a thought as to what the reward might be
without worrying what are one's losses
without hesitation
without judgement
without expectation of reciprocal

..but foremost..with sincere thoughts of alleviating a fellow human of his predicament

This is the whole point.

One should just render help, the best one can, as and when help is needed. Just do it out of sincerity! (Did I just hear someone frowned, 'Ooh! That's hard!' Well, it is, my dear. That's why we are faced with all the problems in this world).

Another point, being the sincere person that one is, even say Lailatul Qadar did descend on one, would one tell?

One would perhaps not tell, for one fear of the possibility of embracing Ria’ (embracing useless pride, remember...(not to show off), second part of hadith above).

Well these are the reasons, I have stopped wondering when Lailatul Qadar would come my way as, first and foremost, I have to come to terms with issues of SINCERITY and not worry about the issues of scoring points.

The fact that our Prophet (peace_be_upon_him), did not remember which particular night Lailatul Qadr would happen, reading in between the lines, it is surely then, about us being true, being real and most of all being sincere on all nights perhaps?

Sincerity and the special night of Lalilatul Qadar come hand in hand, I would think. (Ooh! That is truly hard).

Well, this is my personal thought, and I do admit I am not an authority at all here, and even as I write, I am aware the issue of sincerity is the most trying of all.

As I said before, the physical part of the ritual
(first part of above hadith) is the easy bit, but the spiritual aspect of any ritual (the second part of above hadith) is the real test, indeed.

I am myself wrestling with this spiritual issue of being sincere all the time.

Have a good rest of Ramadan, my dearest ones.




I wrote this to my school gang and wish to share with my bloggers gang here too.

I received regular forwards daily about all the unrest in this world, here, there and everywhere, especially about the so-called-religious wars that are so rife today. I noticed the availability of real good values amongst people in general, diminishes with the rise of these 'religious' wars! (Resulting in much sorrow and ugliness all around the world). Puzzling indeed! What contradictions!

The only way for me to survive each day these days, is by hanging on to this phrase, 'the-good-the-bad-the-ugly'. This is an age-old coinage, but holds great meaning to me, only of late, over recent incidents (both personal and non-personal)! This phrase brings me down to earth. It wakes me-up from daydreaming. It shakes me-up to reality! I helps me to accept, that we are not in a perfect world.

Everything so far, to me, comes in this kind of package. 'The-good-the-bad-the-ugly' package.

Let's internalise, when it comes to our is the same. Are they perfect? Speaking for myself, my answer is a no! But when I need to forgive anyone that I love, I have to refer to this, ''Forget the-bad-the-ugly! Focus on 'the-good''.

Another example, when it comes to friends, no matter how close they are to you, isn't the situation the same here? You can only be good/close friends for years and years, on the basis of ''Forget the-bad-the-ugly! Focus on 'the-good''.

Similarly with acquaintances! I realised, we can only morph, into being close friends, by embracing this concept of 'the good the bad the ugly'. I'm sure, we have our own early experiences, (maybe even now, we do forget sometimes to embrace what we know of life. Sigh!) that we never make it to be 'close' friends with a lot of our acquaintances, when we expect perfection from them. How can anyone be prefect? Tell me, if there are secret theories to life about this!

On an extreme front, (where most of us have gone through, if not, will soon...ha ha ha), the romantic front! That is why people say 'Love is blind!!' Get it! You can only fall in love, without expecting perfection from the other party. And of course vise-versa. Or it is a no-go. Period! 'Love is blind' is the concept that I'm rambling on this morning, that has kinship to the ''Forget the bad the ugly.' Focus on 'the good''...Similar to the concept of understanding that life is about 'the good the bad the ugly'.

There can never be peace on this earth, till every single person understands this concept. There will be fights, even, between lovers, there will be cold wars within the families, there will be civil wars within countries and there will be ugly-violent global wars, without this understanding. To not understand this, makes us cry for perfection, makes us insist for perfection. This is futile! This will never be. A complete waste of time indeed!

It is when we embrace these concepts, (similar but coined diferently), that 'life is not perfect', that 'Love is blind', that we should ''Forget the bad the ugly! Focus on 'the good'', that life is made of three, 'the good the bad the ugly', and come to terms with these...then...Voila! life starts to be perfect!

Isn't it strange? Isn't it such a contradiction?...

That life can be PERFECT when we accept that life is IMPERFECT??

(Must pass on this message to warring parties!!) Food for thought....

Think with an open mind

I have been receiving too many forwards of late asking us to boycott products from a certain country or from some manufacturing giants. I prefer to keep it general and let's just dwell on the concept of boycotting.

I dunno. I am not convinced we will win by going this route. Why do I say that?

Firstly, it can only work if everyone did it. It is a guarantee that not everyone will do it in tandem!!

Secondly, if we were boycotting products from some giants, the mere fact that we regarded them as giants, this itself will give us clues that these giants will not take such actions (boycott I mean) lying down. Surely they are smarter or else they were not giants in the first place. You see, they can divert manufacturing plants to elsewhere. Boy! They do have the means. So instead of saying made in somewhere, then they can label the same products as made in elsewhere. They'd change the name too and we didnt know about it and we merrily bought these products while boycotting some others..makes me look silly really.

Thirdly, we go happily boycotting say something like McD (just serving as an example of a service related giant). What good is that? Don't we realise, that all the workers are locals? These workers need their jobs for livelihood. You boycott, and they lose their jobs. Dont we realise some of the products are produced locally as well, thus giving livelihood to the other local folks too. What about the franchise owner? He/she is a local too!

Fourthly, if we were to boycott products from one particular country or a particular manufacturing giant, boy! are you sure you got it right? When the country or the manufacturer is huge, don't you think it could almost be about everything that we should boycott? How do we know a local manufacturing plant did not buy some parts to manufacture their products from that country or from somewhere related to the intended giant manufacturer (we wish to boycott?) eh? Should we then boycott that local produce of ours?

I mean these are the things that are going on in my head when I received all these mails and news about boycotting. I think if I went this route, I will only be hampered with paralysis. Every shopping trip I make I will be seriously stressed out with all the 'was-was' (harassed with uncertainty) as to what should be boycotted and what should not, there will be no space in my head to think of more dynamic issues, (such as which funny movie I need to see this week to unwind?). At worse, I will find myself faced with the scenario of a huge lack of choice. Boy! That is so depressing and defeating, indeed. We merely make our life less dynamic and more difficult, therefore just adding undue stress.

Believe me the intended leader will not be un-seated by our acts of boycott. I bet he's a bit beyond this!

Think, what would happen if the country we boycotted turned around and reciprocated and boycott us too? We being small, I think our economy will suffer. Two can play the game.

We must look at issues in a more global and dynamic way. It is imperative that we think with an open mind. We must find solutions that at the same time allow us to move forward better and most importantly, allow us to think better too.

But hey, this is my personal take on this issue. There are many ways to look at it within your own context.

Just get REAL

It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than lose someone that you love because of your pride.

You win multifold, when you lose your pride with someone you love. Your life will be filled with magic.

But when you'd rather be ruled by your pride, your life will be filled with regrets, endless regrets. You lose multifold, too.

Sometimes, I do not understand why this happens time and again between people s-o-o in LOVE, I mean losing someone you love because of mere pride.

I have seen relationships crumbled by sheer emotions of pride getting in the way. I don't understand why do we allow our pride to get the better of us sometimes. There are exceptions of course, as there are some people in love who embrace humility and utter wisdom. Really that should be the way to go.

Some people say, 'There is no RULE in LOVE'.

Lemme think about this...hmm...

Maybe...after all there are many ways to look at life, at love, at anything.

But not just now, with me. That don't sound quite right, babeh! Not just now. To me, 'There is RULE in LOVE' (My very personal view, my take on being in love).

A golden rule!

You wanna know? Sure, I'll tell ya...

When you are in love...

'Just get REAL'.

Personally, I want my man to be as REAL as he can. Yeah! Just get real with me...

...not macho nor debonair nor suave nor smooth, no play of pride here...just real!

Express yourself as REAL as you can to your loved one. Don't let your loved one guess as to how you feel. There's the danger in the guessing game. You see, your loved one might get the wrong message, your loved one might mis-read you, your loved one might misunderstand you, or worse, your loved one might not ever know how you really feel...what good is that? After all your loved one is your treasure. Your loved one is everything.

You can achieve magical and wonderful outcome with your loved one, if one just swallows one's pride, if one just gets REAL, not macho nor debonair nor suave nor smooth, just real. No pride. No games.

When you simply get real, your loved one can feel you. You will come across so attractive, you will come across adorable, you will come across genuine, no matter how clumsy you might think you are.

So do remember...It is better to lose your pride with someone you love. It is better to get real with someone you love and adore, then your life will be filled with magic. You will win multifold.

Aah...I do know some very special people who are wonderfully REAL. I feel blessed, especially, when we connect so well, even soul to soul.

Luv ya.

On 'Joy and Sorrow'

“He who has not looked on Sorrow will never see Joy.”

Kahlil Gibran .

In my quiet moments I do wonder and asked myself how do we know what is joy? What is happiness?

What Kahlil said has depth, great depth indeed. Kahlil was a person, a poet, a philosopher, who was greatly challenged since young and I’d say throughout his life. He went through intense and immense challenges and therefore I would say he has some authority with the very subject on 'joy and sorrow'.

I find what he said is so true.

I would go as far as saying, a person is as deep as how much he has been challenged.

To me the varied challenges that we go through in our lives, elevates the mind in various ways. It makes you think about life deeper. It makes you stop in your tracks and wonder and think and philosophise and internalise! It makes you go out of yourself and back in and out, until you find your answers.

To me, if we never knew sorrow, we would not have the ability to recognize joy to its full potential. How much sorrow we have gone through in our lives will be how much joy we will be able to understand and thus appreciate, as there is the comparison, the actual experience. If we had only lived with joy, life would be numbing. Life would be described as shallow, empty, hollow, even. There’s even the danger, we would lose interest, as the 'spirit' is not fed with variations, not fed with changes, not fed with depth, to go the distance.

You see the ONE above knows best.

HE gives us the gift of challenges. HE gives only what HE knows we can shoulder. No more, no less.

The wise ones from amongst us will see challenges from HIM as gifts on earth. They would receive any challenge with affirmations of ‘Praise be to Allah’.

Long ago, I never understood that. I thought these wise people must be 'bonkers'. Why in heaven's name one would be thankful?

The first thing I'd do, when I do get challenged, I would make that long distance call between heaven and earth and I would argue and have a long dialogue with HIM as to, ‘Why me?’

Then as years passed by and many challenges later, I found out it was not only me. It was the whole 6 billion of us. Yes, I found out HE has the capacity to create 6 billion of us and managed to challenge the whole 6 billion of us in varied ways beyond our comprehension, and not as punishments, BUT as gifts.

Gifts of great joy at the end of it, through sorrow, only if we wanted to see it that way. Only if we accepted it that way.

That realization was humbling.

Only through the sorrow of knowing great pangs of hunger, makes a person appreciates food with joy, no matter how little.

Only through the sorrow of knowing great thirst, makes a person appreciates water with joy, no matter how little.

Only through the sorrow of losing health, and getting it back, makes a person appreciates his/her health, and lives life to the full with joy.

Only through the sorrow of losing the love of your life and meeting him/her again gives one extreme joy and makes one appreciates the ability to love and be loved, multifold.

It is true, ‘He who has not looked on sorrow will never see joy’.